Collage229

Collage 229 H u m o u r N e t 11 MAR 96Karen and William team up to present us with this gem off thenews wire:"Woman Uses Gun to Remove Callus"(I wrote six (count'em!) openers while taking bumps in the Atlantaairport, but I just couldn't pass up this particular story. BTW, thepresentation here is primarily from the Toledo Blade (Toledo, Ohio),29 Feb 96.)MUNCIE, Ind. -- A woman used a shotgun to remove a callus from herfoot after a bout of heavy drinking, city police said.Bonnie Booth, 38, of Muncie, had tried to remove the callus with arazor blade, but -- when that attempt was unsuccessful -- shereplaced the razor blade with a.410-gauge shotgun. After drinkinga substantial amount of liquor, she "shot herself in the foot,"causing injury to her right foot in the process.(Hopefully, there was no brain damage.)According to police, she used the shotgun because she was afraid thatthe callus was becoming infected.(Personally, I'd like to know how this chick handles a really badheadache.)She was hospitalized in good condition.("Hospitalized in good condition" -- from the *neck down*, perhaps.)Ah, the intellectual proletariat -- and this Collage contains awhole assortment of them!The following stories are presented c/o Jim in L.A.:"Man's 911 Call Prevents His Own Burglary,"Man Using Gun to Hammer Nail Shoots Self and Wife,"Man Targeting Woodpeckers Shoots Self Instead," and"All Those Numbers Can Get So Confusing."John in Denver sends "One Down, Two To Go."Jeff swears that "With Friends Like These" is true. (Nothingpersonal, but I really hope he's wrong.)Eric provides "Police Car Plays Taxi, Gives Lift to Jail."And finally, "Jailbirds" comes to us from Claus in Denmark.Huge "*THANKS*" to the contributors!It's an "Intellectual Proletariat" Collage. (It was either that, orthe "March of Times Poster Children" Collage (insensitive toward the*real* M.o.D. children) or the "Eight More Reasons For Roe v. Wade"Collage (more liberal pabulum puking). Oh, well. :-) Enjoy!- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": Man's 911 Call Prevents His Own BurglaryST. LOUIS (AP) - A man's 911 call stopped a burglary in progress --his own.Ronald Haegele slipped into a health center on Tuesday and hid in abathroom until the building closed, police said.After discovering that valuable equipment and medicines were lockedup, he started stuffing office supplies into his pocket.Then he realized there was no way out.So he called police, and told them that an absent-minded guard had"buzzed" him into the building to use a bathroom, then had forgottenhe was inside.The building has no buzzer security system.While he was inside, Haegele also set off an alarm and twiceanswered phone calls from a security guard, said police OfficerDeborah Reinarman.Haegele, 32, was charged with burglary and theft.
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SUBJ: One Down, Two To Go(AP) - James P. Maynard, 22, was driving through Charleston, WV,with two friends. They were playing a game while he drove. RussianRoulette."He pointed the gun at one guy, and it clicked. He pointed it athis own head and it clicked," says a police spokesman. "The thirdtime he pulled it, it went off."The car, with its driver shot in the head, went out of control andcrashed into a wall. Maynard is in critical condition and the twopassengers were injured.
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SUBJ: Man Using Gun to Hammer Nail Shoots Self and WifeLANCASTER, S.C. (AP) - A man who tried to use a gun as a hammerinstead shot himself and his wife.Richard Gardner, 23, of Fort Lawn was trying to nail some molding athis mother-in-law's house on Christmas night when the gun went off.Gardner was treated for a hand wound and his wife, Mary Ann Gardner,21, was treated for a wound to the abdomen. Both were released byTuesday, hospital officials said.Gardner's mother-in-law, Molly Goodman, told Lancaster Countysheriff's deputies she asked him to repair the hallway molding.When he couldn't push it back into place with his hands, he wentinto the living room and got the.25-caliber handgun, she said.He was using the butt of the gun to nail the molding when the gunwent off. Gardner put his wife in their car and drove to thehospital, Goodman said.The sheriff's report said Gardner thought the gun was empty.
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SUBJ: Man Targeting Woodpeckers Shoots Self InsteadSANTA ROSA, Calif. (AP) - A man pestered by woodpeckers flutteringaround his home headed out to shoot at them, but apparently slippedand shot himself instead, police said.The body of Gary Bowers, a well-known local businessman, was foundoutside his home about noon Thursday.Detectives were told that Bowers, reportedly in his early 50s, hadbeen bothered by woodpeckers and had been using a pellet gun toshoot them. On Thursday, he apparently decided to use a shotgun,but slipped on the front porch en route to his targets, police Sgt.Tom Combs said."I heard what I thought was a shot, and I didn't pay that muchattention to it," said neighbor Virginia Truzzolino.[Editor's Note: "Neighbors" being interviewed in Washington, D.C.,often make the same comment. ]Combs said an autopsy and a test for gun residue will be conductedto determine whether Bowers fired the shot. Authorities at firsthad suspected foul play, but later discounted that theory.
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SUBJ: All Those Numbers Can Get So ConfusingSAN FRANCISCO (Reuter) - A prisoner who escaped from a Californiajail was caught by police after he dialed emergency number 911 bymistake, officials said Tuesday.Tonga national Maliu Mafua, 27, escaped from the San Mateo Countyprison last Friday but was caught one day later when he dialed 911instead of 411 for directory assistance from a pay phone.A call to 911 alerts police to an emergency. Officers responding tothe call knew something was awry when they saw Mafua wearing a shirtthat read "Property of the San Mateo County Jail."[Editor's Note: Even the *police* thought this was odd. ]
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SUBJ: With Friends Like These...A 16-year-old high school boy was rescued by paramedics in CastleRock, Colorado (about 20 miles south of Denver) on Feb 22. The16-year-old and some "friends" left the high school to go to anearby field. Their plan was to get high sniffing fumes. The16-year-old sprayed air freshener on his shirt, inhaled deeply andpassed out.His "friends" were unable to revive him. Several of the studentsran to the high school for help while one 17-year-old boy remainedto continue resuscitation efforts. How? By pulling a razor bladeout of his wallet and slicing the unconscious boy's wrists, ofcourse.Why? The 17-year-old explained that he didn't think his friend wasgetting enough oxygen to the brain, therefore, by slitting hisfriend's wrist, the blood in his arms would mix with the air andcarry more oxygen to the brain and revive the boy.[Editor's Note: Good thing he didn't have a revolver on him..."I thought that by blowing a nice, large hole through his head thatthe air could get to his brain faster." Apparently, the kid whopassed out wasn't the only one whose brain wasn't getting enoughoxygen. ]
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SUBJ: Police Car Plays Taxi, Gives Lift to Jail[From the 2/28 San Francisco Chronicle]A San Mateo man has found out the hard way the difference between ataxi and a police car.San Mateo County sheriff's deputies reported yesterday that LesliePaul Durnell, 30, was drunk when he climbed into an unmarkedsheriff's car at 1:50 a.m. Saturday on the 100 block of HarborBoulevard and asked to be taken to an address.When ordered out, he became verbally abusive and struck an officerwho tried to arrest him, they said."What the f
kind of taxi are you," he was quoted as saying in apolice report.He was booked on suspicion of assault and battery on a peace officer-- after receiving a free ride to jail.
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SUBJ: Jailbirds[Claus expands our consciousness with this important piece ofinformation: "The name 'Horseroed' has nothing to do with theanimal. A horse in Danish is 'hest.'" ]A prison guard in "Horseroed," a Danish prison for women (or, inthese PC times, a "correction center for womyn"), was very surprisedone morning to find not only the usual female "guest" in her cell,but also a very sleepy male. He turned out to be the inmate'sboyfriend, who -- in the middle of the night and apparently withoutthe slightest problem -- had skipped security, found the propercell, and slipped under the covers.He now faces criminal charges for breaking *into* a prison.[Editor's Note: So, what's his penalty? Being forced to remain amember of society? ]
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*.To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to.>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in thetext wherever possible.