I was listening to an old set of self-improvement tapes last night, Roger Dawson's "The Secrets of Power Negotiating," (a classic if you've not heard of it, available at Nightengale Conant) and in a section on negotiating tactics, he was talking about overcoming objections and said the main tactic to overcoming objectives is to "always test for validity." Here's an example:
You're negotiating a car deal, and the seller says he can't possibly go a penny under 25,000 for the vehicle. You ask, "What if I could bring you cash instead of a cashier's check?" If he says it won't make any difference, he's rigid on the price for some reason, and you need to dig deeper to find out what his issue is to see if there is any way to address it, but if he says, "Well, then I could possibly come down a little," 25,000 is not a firm price and he does have some negotiating range.
The same tactic can be used when women test us, or when we suspect they might be testing, to either neutralize the test or establish that we are dealing with a legitimate issue and need to give it due attention. Let's say your wife is saying she wants new furniture, and you don't know if it's a test, a whim, or a legitimate need. You can test the legitimacy of the issue by finding out how much she's willing to do to have it: "Well, I [like this furniture/don't care either way/might be interested in replacing this, too] IF our budget will allow it. If the budget won't handle the extra expense, do you want this bad enough to do something extra to make up the difference?"
Now you've got her. If she says, "Well no, I guess not," it wasn't that important. "Well I thought you might be nice and get a part time job to do this for me," definitely means it's a test, and we'll deal with that in a minute. "Yes, I would, because I really want this stuff out of here," means it's definitely important, and you should then consider saying, "Well, then I'll see what I can do as well, but if I'm going to help buy it, I reserve the right to help pick it out, at least to the extent of declining on anything that isn't comfortable for me to sit in. Agreed?"
It's not required, but it's a good idea to remain involved so you don't end up with a houseful of furniture that you hate, and doing things like that together is part of what long-term committed relationships are about, isn't it? Besides, women love it when you take the lead and make decisions - as long as you provide that needed and expected input channel for them- it's ATTRACTIVE!
Now, what if you find out it's a test? The test looks on the surface like it's to see what she can get away with, but what it is really about is to see if you can say "no," a check to see if you can define and exercise personal authority. This is a good time to switch back and forth between the responsible budget administrator and "the naughty negotiator." Starting with something like, (straight face) "Well, I might consider being nice and helping with it, but if you want it that bad, you're going to have to help, and you're going to have to give me a pretty good reason to help, (sudden switch to naughty grin) so whatcha gonna do to be nice to me?"
Banter back and forth and make it plain that you're not just going to roll over and give it up, even if she has recently done something nice, but make it fun for her to be told "no." Bring sexual innuendo into it, like, "I don't know, we've had a lot of fun on this couch, I hate to see it go," or "We've not finished breaking this couch down...er...I mean in...It would be a shame to get rid of it before we'd got all the nookie....er....I mean useful life out of it..." However, do NOT get into anything that sounds like you're willing to trade furniture for sex, because it can be taken as a very degrading remark that hints at prostitution. I'm appalled to even have to say that, but I did get an email about it once in the past, so for the sake of the very few who won't realize it, I'm stating what's obvious to most of us.
Use your imagination, but make sure you keep rocking back and forth between serious and naughty to keep her off balance, and keep dropping bits of sexual innuendo. You're likely to end up having sex on the furniture before the discussion is over, just because the playful, naughty attitude and sexual tension may get to her that much, and then you can say, "See, we need to keep this couch!" and wink at her.
It's easy to test for validity once you get used to the game and get skilled at playing. To see the rules in vivid detail, along with lots of examples of how to play the testing game, go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and get your copy of "How to Be Attractive to the Woman You Love." What you'll save on furniture the first time it comes up will more than pay for the book! Just kidding! Seriously, it costs less than a good meal for two, and any time you can throw a few dollars and a little time at a problem and watch it go away, that's an offer you simply have to take!
In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham"Being a man is something to which one should aspire, not something for which he should apologize." --David Cunningham
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