IT'S CALLED SHAME.
I write it large because that's how it functions in our lives. The other painful emotions - fear, anger, frustration, sadness, even grief - serve their purpose, whether it's to help us come to terms with loss, guide us to our true desires, or even create change in the world.
BUT SHAME SERVES NO PURPOSE. Some try to use shame to force others to change. "You should be ashamed of yourself". But research shows that shame doesn't evoke change. It triggers our defensive coping mechanisms because shame feels - to our brain - like a literal threat to our survival. Shame means being thrown out of the tribe. And our ancient self remembers that disconnection on such a scale means death. Shame used as a weapon simply makes its victim dig in.
Shame is different from guilt. Guilt says "what I did was bad". Shame says "WHO I AM IS BAD".
Shame hides really really well. That's its very nature, after all. To hide in the darkest corners and keep its secrets.
And shame is highly individual. The shame-trigger which closes my throat, flushes my face and trips my heart into racing mode may leave you shrugging and slightly puzzled. "What's HER deal?"
To the sufferer, no matter the triggering incident, SHAME IS NEVER TRIVIAL.
* "The girl who's told that money is dirty; or that the inability to make enough money means failure"
* "The boy who's subjected to physical or emotional torment for asking a "dumb" question in class"
* "The woman who's exposed to body shame in the media, or simply around her female role models"
* "The guy who's been raised to believe a man never reveals vulnerability"
* "The worker bullied by his boss"
* "The immigrant mocked for her cultural choices, her accent or how she dresses"
And here's the kicker. Shame researcher Bren'e Brown tells us that when something triggers an old, deep shame, the effect on our physical body is the same as if we were suddenly confronted with a tiger in the undergrowth. Our flight/fight system kicks into high gear, and it's possible for us to flip into a different emotion (fear or rage, for example) so fast, we never realise we are actually feeling shame.
If shame is potentially so hard to catch, what do we do about it? Running from shame simply perpetuates the shameful feelings, and adds chronic stress to the mix. It's a bit like trying to hold a helium balloon underwater - exhausting and pointless. We need to release it. But the very nature of shame makes that intensely scary.
There Are Two Things To Know About Shame.
SHAME HATES BEING WRAPPED IN WORDS. It might make us cough or choke. It might bring the kind of gulping, sobbing tears that feel dangerously difficult to control. It can steal away our breath. These signposts can help identify shame. And as we know, the first step in making change is to own the thing we're trying to change.
AND
Once shame "can" be wrapped in words - spoken about or written about - IT LOSES ITS POWER. The reason for this is that the cure for shame is empathy. Not sympathy or pity, but the capacity to understand how you are feeling in that moment, and to demonstrate to you that you're not alone.
Who is your compassionate witness?
It's important to ensure shame is only shared with A WITNESS WHO HAS EARNED THE RIGHT TO HEAR IT. That might be because they have shown themselves deeply trustworthy, utterly supportive and on your side. They also need to be capable of hearing your shame without needing to make you a victim, or wanting to barrel in and "fix" you. A compassionate witness may be someone who has already shared a similar experience - this is one of the strengths of an AA meeting, for example. The witness helps you to feel "I am not alone here."
If there is something you've struggled with for a long time, consider whether there may be some shame hiding within. Whether it's body issues, money issues, relationship issues or anything else where you seem unable to manifest the outcome you want; if you've tried all the visualising and the vibe-shifting and the letting go - could this dark passenger be at the core?
If so, it's perfectly okay. Shame is universal. You are not alone. Sometimes simply knowing shame exists can be enough to dissipate it. If not, consider who might be your best compassionate witness for this moment, and ask for their support (not for them to fix you - nothing wrong here, remember?).
And if you're not sure who deserves to be your compassionate witness, this would be a good time to call on a coach.
"*An affiliate link, which means Jeannette kindly shares some of the purchase price with me"
"Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net"
0 comments:
Post a Comment