My husband has a good relationship with his mother and before I start, I would like to say that I am happy about that.
SHORT VERSION (full detail below).
1. My husband talks to his mom about our relationship issues.
2. Husband has no problem listening to his mom's advice and opinions.
3. Husband rarely listens to my advice or regards my opinions.
4. Apparently Grandma has more right to our son than I do (the mother who gave life to the child).
5. Husband defends mom 100%.
6. Apparently his mom is better than I am.
7. Apparently his mom matters more than I do.
8. Makes himself available for hours long phone calls with his mom anytime (they don't ask to talk to me though which is fine, I'm not their son.)
9. At the end of my rope.
I have a few concerns.
1. My husband will go to his mother when we have relationship problems. He tells her our issues, he tells her about my personal issues (he has my consent so that's okay). While I do not mind this, I'm starting to have an issue with it now.
They talk about me. They talk about how I'm defensive which is true. I am defensive and am protective of myself and when I feel like I'm being attacked or condescended, I shut down.
I don't really like that they talk about my personal issues anymore. I feel bad for saying that as I do want my mother in law involved with my personal and individual life, but it's gone too far.
She has called me immature (in some ways) and naive to my husband. My husband told me she said that, and she is right about that. No doubt.
I didn't have much of an issue when they talked about our relationship problems, but when they start " bad-mouthing " I have an issue. His mother hardly knows me or my past. That is because she lives across the country currently and we haven't spoken on the phone directly to each other much until recently.
She is very nice to me, understands me, she knows somewhat of my past but not the whole big picture.
When they talk about our relationship issues, she doesn't bash me or anything. If I did something wrong, she'll address that but if my husband did something, she won't automatically take his side. She knows my husband isn't perfect.
He talks to his mom about our relationship problems because he doesn't have friends or a good therapist to talk to right now, so he needs some emotional support besides me. I understand that.
He seems to value his mom's opinions which is great, but sometimes it's too much. Even it it doesn't involve me, but something about him or our lives in general, he'll be like " my mom said we should... " or " my mom thinks... ". He does take his mom's advice but doesn't really acknowledge my advice or thoughts. I guess he thinks that because I'm 20, I don't know much and that's true, I am not as experienced. But I should be viewed as an equal.
Whenever I mention something that I'm uncomfortable about regarding his mom, he sides with her all the time. He'll say " she doesn't mean it like that ", or " well, she's right ".
Another big issue I have is that his mom once suggested that her and my husband's step dad will be available to babysit our son for a week or two. A WEEK OR TWO?! No. It's my son. I am not comfortable being away from MY son that long.
She says that we'll be able to do things we need to do like counseling and meetings, responsibilities in general without worrying about our son. But first of all, we are parents so we need to be responsible for our son and do things we need to do with him. Second all, we won't ever need weeks to do things without our son.
I can understand babysitting for a night or two, but a week or two, hell no.
I have mentioned being uncomfortable with this and my reasons why like " I want to breastfeed until our son is two years old, (he's 17 months now) and that won't happen if they take him for a week or two. By the time he comes back, he'll be weaned. " and my husband says " well, we need to do things " I have said " a week or two is a long time. He's going to miss us and I'm going to miss him. " he says " it'll be hard, but... "
He seems to totally love his mom's point of view and opinion but gives no regard to mine about OUR son. If I'm not comfortable with my son being away from me that long, I have a right to say so and not allow it.
But he says that our son should spend quality time with his Grandma. And of course he should, but not for a week or two. He says that I'm being selfish.
His mom is great with our son, she babysit before when she visited, and she was great. But I don't want him away for a week or two. And my husband doesn't think I'm making any sense. As if I have no right to what happens with my son.
I apparently don't have good advice or good opinions because he hardly agrees with anything I say, but when it comes to his mom...
I don't see myself being too happy with this for very long. I feel like I don't matter, my opinions don't matter, and as a mother, I don't matter. Yet I'm the one who changes our sons diapers, puts him to bed, feeds him, bathes him, nurses him, does everything for him. My husband is involved, reads him books and plays with him but I am the primary caregiver.
To be honest, I'm really only keeping my mouth shut and staying because I'm deathly afraid of a custody battle and I'm afraid of losing my son. But I don't know how much longer I can stand being excluded, not being listened to, and disregarded.
His mom apparently is better than I am.
They've even talked about my mom and what they think of her.
They are over stepping boundaries and of course I'm so afraid that I'm acting like a doormat.
PS: we are going to marriage counseling, just waiting for our first appointment.
He is getting individual counseling for his personal issues, and I'm getting individual counseling for my personal issues.
Can anyone offer any mature advice? Any insight? I need help here.
My husband says he loves me but I'm really having trouble seeing that. No doubt he loves his mom though. He'll make himself available for a phone call anytime.
His parents are moving closer to us in May.
I do want to add that I do appreciate that he has a good relationship with his mom. But somethings are getting to be too much.
Credit: japan-pickup-scene.blogspot.com
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