A lot of attention is given in Intensive Therapy here at National Institute of Marriage to creating and maintaining safety in marriage. We have determined through research and experience that feeling safe is the pivotal component to whether intimacy develops in a relationship. And, when couples are trying to heal and recover from emotional/relational injuries due to neglect, betrayal and abuse, emotional safety is the doorway to experiencing intimate connection with one's spouse.
How safe I am for my spouse can be powerfully influenced by how I "show up." Showing up refers to the quality of presence I have when I am in proximity to my spouse's vulnerability. Spouses who support their mate feeling safe understand the manner in which they "show up" is central to inspiring a sense of trust or a sense of threat in one's mate.
Consider the following hypothetical circumstance. The mail arrives and as you are perusing through the assortment of advertisements and bills you open a credit card bill and begin to examine the last month's charges. In the list of charges you identify several charges for which you don't know how they got on the bill. The amounts are substantial and it is disconcerting at the least to see the charges and not understand why they are there. You assume that your spouse is responsible for the charges and you fear your trust has been broken in some important way by the spending of your mate. Add to this, conversations, maybe arguments, in recent months about money, spending money, using credit cards, etc. and it is not hard to imagine a swelling sense of dread, threat and even righteous indignation growing in you as you try to understand what was going on with the credit card.
If this is you, how do you show up when the opportunity to discuss the bill with your spouse presents itself? What would be your goal? What result would you be hoping for? How immediate would the thought of maintaining emotional safety for yourself and your spouse be?
To show up safe, I must be aware enough of my own emotions so I don't allow myself to be reactive. Emotionally reactivity almost guarantees an unsafe and emotionally wounding result. To show up safe I have to put emotional safety ahead of information, being right, winning the argument, getting my spouse to change, etc. To show up safe I will have to be intentional about being safe. Safety doesn't just happen. It is the consequence of deliberate and intentional planning. The kind of intention and planning that we sadly often ignore when we are scarred and/or hurt.
To show up safe I must consider the vulnerability of my partner and myself ahead of some agenda I want to pursue. Being safe is more important than an answer or even an immediate solution to what I perceive the problem to be. Whatever actions I subsequently determine are necessary to take for my own safety, they do not require emotional intensity and reactivity.
One common objection to showing up safe is often the, "This is just the way I am, I can't change it!" Someone rejects self-awareness, self-control, and integrity because they have some distorted sense of personal identity which requires being reactive and emotionally intense. This is essentially a denial of personal responsibility and again guarantees one's spouse will need to have walls and distance in the relationship to survive emotionally. There just isn't a way around this. If we want to inspire safety in our spouse we must take responsibility for our emotional reactivity and vulnerability to become threatening to our spouse.
Who defines whether a situation or circumstance is safe? This is a hard one. Frankly, it often feels downright unfair at times. I can be the most safe, self-controlled, calm, person in the world at a given moment and my spouse can still feel unsafe. Guess how far it will get me to make it my goal to convince them how safe I am and they shouldn't feel threatened? I will likely only confirm their fears of my being unsafe as I invalidate their feelings and insist that my perception of reality is the "true" one not theirs. In case you weren't listening during your Intensive, we can never control what our spouse thinks, believes, feels, or acts. We can have considerable influence but not control.
If I want my spouse to feel safe then my best play is to be as intentional as I can about being safe, trustworthy, understanding and sensitive. These efforts on my part matter if only for the satisfaction of my own integrity. And, they hold the best hope of demonstrating to my spouse my commitment to be safe.
So, returning to the credit card bill scenario, it is not hard to predict how my spouse will react if I shake the bill in their face and in anger declare how they once again have betrayed my trust and I vow to never trust them with money of any kind or form again.
The alternative might include taking some time and space to sort through my emotions and get a grip on my reactivity. I might remind myself that I don't have all the information and that there could be more going on than I can determine from the credit card bill alone. I might consider there might be emotional reasons for my spouse not trusting me. Maybe they chose not to be open, forthright and vulnerable because they anticipated judgment, blame, accusation and punishment. These alternatives are simply ways of talking to myself to calm my reactivity and give me a chance to plan how to "show up" safe.
There are numerous strategies for showing up safe. The right strategy for you will depend on the circumstances, your own sense of safety and your commitment to make safety the first priority. Notice safety does not preclude or negate accountability. Making safety a priority just means if there is confrontation and vulnerability involved I am committed to addressing my spouse with respect, sensitivity, and self-control. If I'm not able to discuss safely I need to wait until I can, for my spouse's benefit and the benefit of my own integrity. Consider how making safety the priority in how you "show up" with your spouse would change your relationship dynamics. Increase your efforts to be safe and watch what happens. Be aware it could take a long time before your efforts yield signs of your spouse feeling safer. Your enhanced confidence in your own self-control and integrity is an immediate reward whether your spouse recognizes the safety right away or not.
Please post a comment to enter a conversation about this column. I so much enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will contribute to the conversation as well.
Let me know if you have a concern or question which could be addressed in a future column. You can also email concerns and questions to me at aftercare@nationalmarriage.com. God Bless You, and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.
Dr. Robert K. Burbee
Licensed Psychologist, Intensive Therapist
National Institute of Marriage
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